Private Jets: Airplane Loans Wanted

An airplane accident is not something you want to hear about before you travel on an international flight, but it seems to be, that without fail, an airplane crash or three always make headlines when I am making my travel plans for the year. Not only that, it always seems to be only commercial airlines that make the news, which has led me to the decision that as soon as my Hub Challenges are all done for this year and I am rolling in dough, I might run downtown and buy myself a little private jet. I need nothing fancy, mind you, just something good enough to fly from one hemisphere to the other three or four times each year to visit family.

On long haul commerical flights, I can usually manage several hours sleep, and I rarely get nervous which helps, but developing this ability has taken several years and thousands of miles. Getting some rest in an airport is essential if you want to arrive at your destination with a brain that still functions. The only problem I have otherwise, is being woken up by people stepping over me on their way to the bathroom. So in case you wondered, yes, the window seat is best when you consider that you’re able to control your own fluid intake, but not the passenger who is sitting next to you. You can also rest your head on the wall, and not on someone you don’t know who may or may not smell funny.

When you first board the plane and you’re about to travel ‘X’ thousand miles across open water from one end of the Earth to the other, you have to wonder why the flight attendants insist on demonstrating the regulation safety precautions. While this seems like common sense, it is actually of no benefit whatsoever, whether you consider yourself an optimist or not.

For example; “Ladies and Gentleman, in the event of an emergency water landing, your life preserver vest should be secured in the following manner. Your vest also has attached, this glow in the dark safety beacon and a whistle to attract attention. You will also note that the seat cushion you are currently sitting on also doubles as a flotation device. Also, should the cabin suddenly lose air pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling above you, but you are advised to use the mask for yourself, before attempting to assist others. Please also note your seating position in relation to the nearest external cabin door, and the string of small lights along each corridor of the plane. These lights will safely guide you to the nearest exit should there be an emergency. Please make yourself comfortable and ready for take-off. On behalf of your Captain and crew, we thank you for flying "X airlines”

Now for an analysis of these words of wisdom:

Emergency Water Landing. Call me stupid, but when a Boeing 747 with a cruising airspeed of just over 600mph is flying at an altitude of between 30,000 and 40,000ft, an emergency water landing is not an emergency landing, it’s called a crash. It is highly likely that you will cease to be, in every sense of the word, once it hits the water, although it is more than feasible to think that you would have already died before you got that far. As pessimistic as this may seem, the alternative is to land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in one peace so you can float among dozens of the dearly departed until you die of thirst. It is also a safe assumption that if you did survive and spent a couple of days bobbing around in the middle of nowhere, you’re eventually going to see fins circling around you. You might be thinking at this point, that a swift departure from this world would have been preferable to being mauled by a man eating white pointer. I know I would be suitably annoyed, and would make it a point to retain an attorney and file a grievance the minute I got home.

Your Glow in the Dark Safety Beacon and Whistle. Picture it… you’re six hours due north of Hawaii; it’s the middle of the night and a storm is brewing. The only person who can hear you blowing that whistle is yourself and maybe some other lucky surviving passenger. Take comfort knowing you’re not alone, but then what? One could look at this problem in a more philosophical manner, I suppose; if nobody hears your hysterical cries for help, are you even there? [Insert Prayer Here].

Your Flotation Device: A flotation device in this situation is not much use unless it is called a freighter. HELLO. Unless I can kick-start that cushion and ride it back to The Big Island to dry ground, I will not be stopping to include it in my list of necessary items I need to grab before impact.

Your Oxygen Mask. We are hurtling toward the Earth at 600mph and gaining speed. The force is so great that your face is becoming grossly distorted, and even if you wanted to, there is no guarantee you will be strong enough to move your arm to get the mask onto your face. The air is being crushed out of your lungs, and the best you can hope for is the impending crash; but at least then you will be able to catch your breath…..

Yep, private jet ownership is definitely for me, and I’m fairly certain many frequent fliers would agree it’s the only way to go. Furthermore, when I do get my own personal leer jet none of the above safety precautions will be enforced. If there should be sufficient warning before we become just another hushed up airplane accident statistic, I will recommend that you leave your seat in the reclined position with your little table in the down position, crank up some AC/DC, then give thanks for the wonderful life you have had while you help yourself to a stiff Gin & Tonic and a free bag of peanuts.

It’s a safe bet that I won’t qualify for any type of airplane financing this week, but if anyone has a cheap airplane for sale I’d appreciate the heads up. I reckon a used airplane would be just fine since NASA keeps sending up the same old recycled Space Shuttles over and over. If that’ll work for you too, airplane finance will be completely doable on your terms, as long as you’re willing to work with me until these Hubs kick in.